What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 08:04
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why is Taylor Swift re-recording her albums?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Is it true that schizophrenia can sometimes be a demonic attack or black magic?
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Has anyone ever participated in a gang bang and what was it like?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do narcissists avoid talking about the real issues?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Do many women shave their vaginas?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She found it foreign!.
Ive learnt so much.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were not on the streets..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I waited trembling.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!